You may have heard that money conflicts are one of the leading causes of friction in a marriage – and it’s true. Having money, spending it and saving it can be challenging if you and your spouse aren’t on the same page when it comes to how you choose to put your financial house in order. The good news is that there are ways to work together so that your money talks are as harmonious as talking about being newlyweds. 

Talking is the first step. In fact, financial advisers say that the biggest mistake couples make is not talking about money to begin with. 

Some couples just don’t sit down and plan. Failing to plan together is planning to fail together. It’s necessary. 

Consider Your Money Values

Couples should have an open, candid discussion about money. Talk about your backgrounds and how you were raised. Was your mom a spender and your dad a saver? Was money a way to reward you for a job well done, or were extra privileges the norm? 

Most couples have some idea of their “money personality” while dating, but now’s the time to really dig deep and find out where it comes from – and how you can use that to develop together. 

Look at your values around money, including your spending habits. The main thing is to just talk about it. 

Next, experts suggest asking yourselves some thought-provoking questions like “Where are we starting?” “Where are we trying to go?,” and “What’s important about money to each of us?” 

Think about where you’re coming from, your view of money, how you were raised and where you’re going. Those values will lead to goals – and then you’ll have a ship that’s headed in the same direction. 

For example, your values might include family (having children, taking care of relatives), security (retirement, savings), freedom (trips to Europe, going back to school to get that MBA), or giving back (supporting your church and your community). Moreover, the things you do and the actions you take on a daily basis should reflect those values. 

Make a “Money Date”

Next is the fun part: set up a “money date” to talk about your current finances. Make it a relaxed setting. The absolute worst times to talk about money are when you’re paying bills, in bed, and while you’re driving. 

You need to pick a time that’s fun and enjoyable where you’re both relaxed and open to discussion. Stressful times are not good. 

After you’ve had your talk, it’s time to get down to business. And forget about budget.

Budgets don’t work for a lot of couples. They’re not effective if one person enjoys doing it and the other doesn’t.

Instead, every couple should have three “buckets”: short-term, mid-term and long-term.  

If you look at the big picture things first, everything else will fall into place.  

For example, the big picture should include drafting a will, having the proper amount of life insurance and establishing an emergency fund with enough cash to cover three to six months of living expenses (mortgage/rent, utilities, etc) – just in case. 

Next, work on the offensive: establish a retirement plan where you pay yourself first. Men should set aside 10 percent of their gross pay; women 12 percent. Why the different amounts? For the simple reason that women live longer than men. 

Once you identify your top priorities – like retirement or buying a house – controlling discretionary spending isn’t as big of an issue. 

Test Yourself

Okay, now it’s time for a test: “The 7 Day Money Challenge.” Each spouse records every penny they spend for seven days to find areas where money seems to be disappearing down a bottomless pit. 

Don’t change your habits – just keep track of what you’re spending money on. Once you find holes, you’ve made yourself aware of it and can redirect that spending so it’s more in line with your values. 

For example, if your goal is to amass enough money for a down payment on your first house, find those money drains and put those funds into a savings account. It could only be $50 or $100 a month, but it’s something that’s in line with your overall goals. 

Ask for Help

Finally, it’s always wise to ask for help. A financial advisor can help you clarify your goals as a couple, establish an investment plan, organize your finances and help you examine your money attitudes. 

A financial advisor can help you see the big financial picture from an unemotional perspective, and that can only help you in the long term.